Deep Down I'm Gone
by ImDreamingaboutlife
Summary: When Toby breaks up with Spencer out of nowhere, she is heartbroken, even more because now Toby is together with Jenna, but why would he, after all they've been through, do this to her? And why with jenna, the girl he despises to the bone? Meeeeeeeeerrp I hate this summary, but it'll have to do until I come up with a better one:p
1. Chapter 1

**AU**

**Well, this is my first story, I didn't think I would write one within this small amount of time, but I did.**

**I don't know that I'll keep this story up, simply because I don't know that it will be appreciated.**

**I am an unbelievable Spoby shipper, although I am not only about them, I like most of the other pll couples. **

**Even Ezria after all that's happened.**

**Well on to the story than:)**

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**Spencer**

Thinking

That's all I can do right now.

Maybe it's pathetic - hoping he didn't mean it. I'm starting to be unable to believe that myself.

I seriously thought he loved me, but right now I'm having trouble believing that.

I did love him, I still do, but there's no way he still loves me, not after what he said or better because of what he didn't say.

**~ Flashback ~**

"Spencer, I'm breaking up with you"

I feel like someone hit me in the stomach.

_Did he really just say that? Yes he did, of course he did, why would I imagine something like that?_

That are the first thoughts that go through my mind.

I'm standing at his door, I came to say that I was sorry for fighting with him earlier that day.

we were talking about something A had done to me and he was being protective just like every time he heard A had done something again.

But this time I got mad at him, without a proper reason. Now I realize it was because I felt powerless.

But when I got to his loft, he didn't let me in, we just stood there, Toby looking at me with his beautiful eyes, in reality not even a meter apart but in my mind, after he said that, we couldn't be farther away from each other.

The next thing I know I am running away, to my car, I feel the first tears falling from my eyes.

I don't get it, after all we've been through he just ends it like that, no feelings I his eyes, not the smallest sign of an emotion on his face, that's what breaks my heart the most, not even realizing what his words meant hurt more.

This pain will probably get even worse when I wake up tomorrow, when I realize he isn't there, that I can't kiss him or hug him and probably won't be able to look him in the eye without starting to cry.

And then I realize something else, Toby Cavanaugh, the boy who just broke my heart, was the first to get me speechless.

**~ Present ~**

That all happened one week ago, exactly one week ago, seven days, a hundred and sixty eight hours ago.

Just eight days ago, I could still kiss him and he would still kiss me back. But now, and I can't even believe I'm saying this, he's cosing up with jenna.

He never leaves her side, after everything she did to him, to my friends, to me…

Can't understand how he could forgive her so easily.

Every time I see them walking somewhere, like conjoined twins, inseparable, holding the hand that always used to hold mine, I want to die on the spot.

But I am Spencer Hastings, I have to live up to all expectations, so I keep my head up, I talk to my friends and family, but deep inside I can't see the point of it, deep inside I am already gone.

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**AU**

**And there it is, the first chapter**

**Let me know what you think, I don't think I'll be able to update soon because I have my exams coming up but I'll try if people turn out to actually like the story.**

**-A **

**(My first name actually starts with A, comes in handy now…)**


	2. Chapter 2

**AU **

**I am really happy I've got some reviews, so here's the second chapter:) **

**I realized I didn't say where this story takes place in the series, It's somewhere around 3B, before Spencer found out about Toby being part of the A-Team. Maybe I'll let some things that happened in the show also happen in my story but I'm not completely sure yet, it could end up totally different, but that's the point of all this isn't it?:)**

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**Spencer**

**Part Two **

I am heading to Aria's.

she's the only one I told how much I'm hurting.

It's not that I don't trust my other friends but I feel like she would understand my situation the best, she would understand _me_ the best.

The others obviously know what happened already ; It's hard not to notice the new, unexpected couple at Rosewood High, but they don't know half the impact it had on me; They know it hurt me. Hell, they know I must be dying inside, but I don't show them.

I reach her house and step to her front door.

Still outside I am the Spencer everyone expects me to be, the Spencer I was,

but once I enter her house I show the Spencer I am now, broken and depressed, the Spencer only we know about.

"How are you doing, Spence?" she asks "Not that great…" I say while pointing at my red eyes, which I got from crying nonstop last night.

From the look in her eyes I can tell she's about to tell me something and she's not sure about how I'll handle it. "I saw Toby yesterday." She says carefully, "He was standing outside the brew, I didn't talk to him because he was with Jenna, but I am pretty sure he noticed me too and Spence, he didn't look like the goofy sweet guy he was when he was with you, he looked dark and serious, I don't think he's happy with Jenna."

That surprises me, the last time I saw him he didn't look unhappy nor did he look like he was having the best time of his life, but that still isn't dark and serious or like I said unhappy.

I haven't spoken to him since we broke up, so I don't know how he really feels; Not that I expect him to tell me after what happened, but still, knowing him I should sense how he feels within a fraction of a second.

"Give me some time to process this , Aria." I say confused.

She nods. She must understand my confusion.

I feel my heart beat speed up a little, filling itself with dangerous, unwelcome hope. I have to choose; ignore this and try to move on, or give in to these feelings.

But then there is the chance to fall back into the horrible place I am just beginning to climb out of.

I choose the first option;

"I can't rely on just that Ar, what if he _is_ happy with Jenna? I would never get over that if I gave in to this hopeful feelings and find out I just imagined these things later."

"I know this must be confusing for you Spence, but we both know how much you love this guy; what if he does still care about you and has a reason for being with Jenna?"

"It's possible." I say, "But that's all it is, Aria, a possibility, a slim chance of happiness. You didn't see his face when he told me we were done, when I looked in his eyes and all I saw was nothing. I can't handle that again."

She stays silent after that, she knows I'm right. If I risk this, there is an awful big chance I won't get through it sane and the Spencer of a month ago, will be gone forever.

"I'm going to go home." I say after a while, I wasn't planning on making this a long visit and after our conversation I don't think this'll help my mood.

"Are you sure? We could talk about …" She tries but she realizes I'm not in the mood for our usual girl talk and just takes peace with it.

"okay, I'll see you then. Take care Spencer." She says while leading me to the door.

Sleep, that's exactly what I need, the only problem… I can't.

I've been turning around under my sheets for the past two hours and I don't seem able to find a comfortable position, or it's just that I can't get Toby out of my mind. Yeah, that's it.

Every time I close my eyes I see his face, never the face of the boy I loved, correction, love; but always the face without emotion, the face of the boy who broke my heart.

After I have been turning around way too long for my liking, I start to drift off into a dream…

_"Hey' spence." I hear him whispering from the other side of the room. He is smiling the way je only does when we are alone. "What are you doing here, Tobes?" I hear myself asking, "It's late."_

_"I know, but I wanted to see you." He says, coming closer to my bed, where I seem to be laying in._

_"You wanted to see me? At 3 AM?" I hear myself asking again, "Yes, spencer, because this is the only time I could. " For some strange reason the dream version of myself doesn't bother asking why, "doesn't matter" Dream me answers, "I'm just really happy to see you."_

_"I'm happy to see you to;" he replies while coming closer to me, "but there's one thing in particular I missed about you." " And what may that be?" I seem to ask, "This." Toby answers jus before connecting his lips with mine, even in my dream this feels incredible, somewhere deep inside I ask myself how it's possible that this feels so real, but I decide to just enjoy this for the time it lasts. _

And then I wake up, tears rolling from my eyes. "you miss him" I hear a little voice inside my head say. _Like I didn't already know that. _I reply sarcastically.

The dreams are coming back I think. They started two days after we broke up and ended a week ago, or that's what I thought…

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**May I present to you: the second chapter!**

**This is the only chapter I'll be able to upload this week because of my exams, like I said in the first chapter. At least I wrote another, right? **

**I'll upload the next one as soon as I can but don't expect it before 17/12**

**And that's all I've got to say:) Oh,and I'lll try to make my chapters longer in the future.**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN **

**This took a little longer than expected but I didn't have that much time to write:( any way, to all Spoby shippers: DON'T KILL ME AFTER YOU READ THIS, you'll find out what I mean…**

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**Spencer **

**Part three**

Moving on turns out harder than expected, and my expectations were not positive. Since Aria told me about seeing Toby, a month has passed and I'm still where I was back then. Barely able to keep up my act of 'sane spencer', hiding in a corner every time I see Toby and/or Jenna somewhere and to top it all of: sleepless, because behind my eyelids seems to be a picture of Toby's 'break-up face' tattooed. However I think the days are starting to pass a little faster again, just like they did before the break-up. First thing I realized was that I stopped living by the "Get up, survive, go back to sleep." motto. There is a difference, though; I don't enjoy living like I used to; of course I'm happy I'm alive, I am not going to deny that, unlike some other 'heartbroken', 'unfixable' cases, but there still is a lot of pain and I still feel miserable.

I'm absentmindedly eating -or should I say ruining, an apple; when I hear a knock on the door. I don't remember asking Aria over nor did Hanna or Emily say they would come visit me, and my family is in Philadelphia with Melissa so I can't think of anyone who would be knocking on my door at six pm. For a second I'm afraid it will have something to do with "A", but then I take my chances and walk to the door. I'm surprised with who I see; a sweet smile is growing on his face when I open the door. "Hey, Spencer" He says in his beautiful accent, the one I fell for against my principles. "I walked in to Hanna yesterday and she told me what the carpenter did, I was out of town the last two months, otherwise you would have seen me sooner" He says. Hanna…explains everything. "Hi, Wren" I say with a honest smile for once "Well, yeah, Toby and I broke up." With those words my young smile starts fading already. Realizing I'm not in the mood to talk about that he says "So, how's your sister doing?" "Well… I think she's good, she and my parents are in Philly at the moment for god know what reason but I think she's okay." I answer. Melissa hadn't been fine well really fine since Ian died but Wren doesn't need to worry too much about her, he feels guilty enough for ruining their relationship… as do I "May I come in?" he ask. "Oh, yeah, sure. Just don't feel like you have to spend time with me because of, well, you now, Toby…" I reply. "Spencer, you are not my good cause of the night, I like keeping you company,…if you don't mind." "You are more than welcome to keep me company" I say, a smile reappearing on my face.

"Do you want some coffee?" I ask. We've been having some small talk for about an hour now and I'm desiring some caffeine. "Yes, that would be nice." He answers. When I return with the coffee I see him putting away his phone swiftly. "Something wrong?" I ask. "No, not at all. My colleague just called; A patient of mine has survived an operation against all odds." He says with small, barely shown hesitation. "That's great!" I say, he seems to care a lot about this patient, judging by the smile that's growing on his face. "We should celebrate your success!" I say. "Yes we should." He says while coming closer to me. I realize he's about to kiss me when he's only a couple inches away from me. "Wren…, I don't know that I'm ready for…" The words fade when he starts look down, ashamed it seems. "Hey, Wren?" I ask. He looks up and says "I'm sorry, I was just hoping, with the carpenter out of the way, we could…" he doesn't have to continue because next thing I know I'm stepping forward and pressing my lips on his. The kiss isn't passionate or energetic, but it's sweet. It doesn't feel the same as when Toby and I were kissing, but I know that won't ever happen again, so this is, kissing Wren is the closest I'll ever again come to that feeling.

When we come apart I smile, he looks at me, a little confused, but also confident, like he just won a prize or something. Just then his phone starts beeping, indicating there is a text message coming in. "I'm so sorry." He says," But I have to go, my patient seems to show side effects to his treatment." "Yeah, go save him." I say, ignoring the urge to ask him to stay. "I'll see you around." He says while getting his coat and stepping out of the door. I wave him goodbye and once he's out of sight I get back inside. I'm surprised with how normal I feel, like the old me; Happy, but knowing I'm missing something. That thing turned out to be Toby.

I wonder where Wren and I stand now… I don't think I'm ready for another relationship but if Wren can give me some time, than maybe we can have something. Just then I hear my phone beep, I've got a new message. I can already guess who has send it; It's possible it's from one of my friends but I doubt it. And I am right; The message reads:

_Sweet little Spencer, feeling like your heart is picked up again?_

_What if the doctor also fails it?_

_Kisses_

_-A _

I feel cold sweat creeping up my neck, what's that supposed to mean? Am I too far gone to be healed? Or is it something else? However "A" always knows when to ruin my mood.

I figure this isn't something to concern my friends about. Not when I'm already weak to them, they'll be overprotective and I hate being babied.

I also don't like being weak, I am the one who should be strong.

I am going to give Wren a chance, ready or not, I want to be strong again, or at least look like I am…

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**And… done:) I am sorry if you hate or dislike Wrencer BUT if you do, don't stop following my story please; Spoby might be endgame… who am I kidding; WILL be endgame. I would say spoiler alert, but come on, how can it not be?**

**Anyway I'll update within this year, as in, before 2014 and hopefully with a longer chapter**

**-A :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN**

**As promised: an update before 2014:p  
Merry (late) Christmas and a happy new year:)**

**I forgot some stuff in previous chapters, like a shout out to my reviewers:) I'm really glad some of you took the time to leave a review 3 and that's about it.  
Oh and I also forgot this before;**

**I obviously do not own Pretty little liars ( I am probably going to forget this in the next chapters, lol)**

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**SPENCER **

**Part 4**

Wren is taking me out for dinner tonight.  
After we kissed yesterday, I called him and asked him to come over again. Strangely enough he did; I was expecting him to refuse or come over today. (He had to go to the hospital less than an hour before I called) But he did . And I'm not planning on questioning him about that.  
When he arrived I felt something strange; a cold feeling around my chest. Like a cold hand holding your too fast beating heart. A feeling you can only understand when you have felt it. Fear and panic, but also hope, racing for domination through your veins.  
While I was opening to door for him, the second time that evening; I was trying to smile as sincere as I could master. Yes, I was sure about what I was going to do but that didn't mean that it really felt right. It felt good in a way, but also very very wrong. What I was going to do was something I hoped would replace Toby. And in all honesty; I didn't want to replace him. Never.  
To get these thoughts of my mind I just stepped forward to Wren and kissed him. With more passion; mostly from his side; this time. When we parted he looked at me like a conqueror must have looked after a country surrendered to him. Words didn't seem necessary at the time. Now on the other hand I wished I would have said something. I'm afraid Wren thinks I want a serious relationship. Well, I do want one but not now. And to be really honest, not with him. My family always wanted me to get the best; They think about grades and jobs when they say that. I on the other hand take it more serious, I want to be the best for the best. My parents would probably never describe Toby as the best, and if Wren wouldn't have hurt the best one of their children (Melissa) he would define as the best, but I would. I always would.

So back to the dinner plans; I wanted to go to a simple place, but Mr Kingston was determined to take me somewhere classy. So here I am, sitting In his car, on our way to Philadelphia, to some way to expensive restaurant. Where it will be searching for your food, the one shrimp hiding somewhere hiding in your plate, under a piece of seaweed; and the menu will read "sea salad, a collection of various seafood with a bush of seaweed" But I shouldn't be complaining. I could have been sitting at home, lonely, drowning myself with my thoughts. Wren is acting a little strange, he is acting really nervous. Like he is taking the most important test in his life. And I have a feeling that test isn't taking me out for dinner. Or maybe I just hope it isn't.  
I see a road sign that indicates we're entering Philadelphia.  
I realize that there's something else, something abnormal; Wren hasn't said a word to since we left. I hope he won't be like this or the rest of the evening, because then it won't matter to be out of my house, then I'll just be absorbed by my thoughts anyway.

"We're almost there" Wren sais while entering a dark road, if you can call it a road, I am not able to see any buildings yet. I knew we were going to a restaurant out of the centre of town, but now I'm starting to wonder why it's so dark and lonely. Now I think about it, I didn't see any indication of a restaurant or… anything really. "We're almost where exactly?" I ask, "Our dinner residence" His answer sounds. "I want to surprise you" he says while stopping the car in seemingly the middle of nowhere, "Could you put this blindfold on?" he says, _what?_ "Why?" I ask, "So you won't see where we are exactly." He says compellingly, "I'd rather not" I say, I don't think this is going to end well. I realized this isn't regular dinner date the second he stopped the car and revealed the blindfold. "I'm afraid you'll have to" He says with a merciful smile on his face, "No! I won't wear that!" I say or better scream. That's the moment he launches forward and pulls the piece of black fabric over my face. I struggle but I can't hold him off, I never expected him to be this strong. "let me go!" I scream, just then I open the door on my side of the car and I can unbuckle my seatbelt. I don't know if I'll be able to get away, not knowing where I am exactly but I can only try. So that is what I do. I kick him where I think it will hurt him the most, at least I try, the blindfold is covering my eyes by now. But I'm lucky and I succeed, judging by the cursing.  
I fall out of the car on my back. I feel something sting, I think it's a stone, and I feel pain spreading over my body. But I get up driven by the adrenalin and take the blindfold off. I know I don't have much time. Wren can get up any second. I scan the area I'm in. A small forest is close by, the road seems endless without any buildings. There isn't anything closer to the road than de forest so I decide to make a run for it. A split second later I hear Wren screaming my name. It won't take long before he catches up with me, so I start sprinting. I'm pretty fast, thanks to the countless hours of field hockey I lived through. I absolutely loved it until Ian, after that it was more like an obligation.  
I reached the first trees by now, I dare to look behind me and see Wren, only a couple foot behind me. The expression on his face is terrifying, he look like he could bite of my head if he has the chance  
And then he stops, smiling. Scaring me even more.  
I myself keep running obviously. Until I feel arms grabbing me pulling me close to another body.  
I know who this is, who is grabbing me. No, this can not be. This is someone else. This has to be someone else. I don't want to look up, then I would be sure. But I do it anyway. First I only see a black hoodie. But then my eyes get used to the dark and I look right in a pair of blue eyes. _The pair _of blue eyes. "No" Is all I can say before I get that devilish blindfold on and those beautiful eyes, _Toby's _beautiful eyes are taken away from me.

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**Merp, I'm sorry, I had to do that:p It'll get better in the next chapters, Which I'm thinking about writing in Toby's perspective. Or maybe I'll do one Spencer chapter first. Anyways I would love to get some reviews, just let me know what you think. And I wish you a happy 2014 Oh, and I'll update within january I'm hoping on doing that twice:)**

**-A **


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